I’m a ENFJ. The ‘E’ stands for extrovert and it’s true. I love people. I love being around people. I love talking to people. Most of all I love helping people. Then comes my ‘F.’ I’m a feeler. I take things personally. When people share anything with me, it hits me like a monumental moment in time. I feel it immensely, and I know a lot of people can’t relate, but maybe some of you can. It can be anything from a “We broke up” conversation to a “I just bought this cup from Walmart” conversation and I get emotionally invested.
[If you’re more curious about those random four letters that I used to describe myself (Myers-Briggs personality types) you can find yours here.]
Here recently, I have had spells of depression harder than I have in the past couple years. September is always a hard month for me anyways, but this time around it’s been morbidly different. (Thank Jesus it’s October, now!!!) So, I’ve been trying to figure all this depression stuff out and still trying to leave myself emotionally available for those around me.
I try to do everything in my power that I can for those around me, but here lately even a text conversation is hard. It’s been difficult to be someone’s pool of affirmation, sanity, feel-better-mentor etc. when, right now, I can’t even give that to myself. Like I said, I love being that for people and am honored that God has put me in a position to lead people. So, when I just don’t feel like being there for others, I feel like I’m being a bad friend. I’ve been tugged every which way, from one person’s needs to the next without sitting down to address my own needs.
Safe to say, this hasn’t helped my depression much. What has helped though are these five things:
Say “No.”
I don’t know why I act like this word isn’t a part of my vocabulary. I am a “yes” girl. Even when I don’t actually voice the word, I say “yes” in my actions. I just show up for people even when I have a paper to write and smell like a trash can and am running on less than a quarter tank of gas- I still show up. Why do I do this to myself? I live under this weird belief that if I don’t show up to a text conversation, or I don’t go get coffee with this friend, or I don’t reply to someone’s sad snapchat that I am a bad friend, and no one wants to be known as that.
But, it is so freeing to say “NO.” Whether I voice it out loud or just don’t reply, it is just liberating. We can’t pour into others lives when we’re running on E. What do we have to offer if we’re not full ourselves?
Yet the news about him spread all the more, so that crowds of people came to hear him and to be healed of their sicknesses. But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed. ~Luke 5:15-16 NIV
Have White Space
So, I mentioned that I am a planner right? My days are booked hour by hour typically. I get a little panic attack if I can’t fit all of what I need into my planner. I think, too, that I need to fill up every hour of my everyday with something, anything. This wears me out like nothing else and I try so hard not to let it, but it would tire out anyone.
Give yourself white space in your planner, or in your day. This is time where nothing is planned, but anything can happen. In this time a friend could call with new drama, or you get that depressing GIF tweeted to you from a friend, but let it go. They will be okay. You need to be okay first. Give yourself time to read, to write, to draw, to bake a lopsided cake, to do your makeup just to stay at home, to catch up on Riverdale, to mindless walk around Michaels etc. Okay, that’s what I do with my white space, but you get it. Give yourself time to truly do you and don’t let anyone interrupt that.
Jesus said, “Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” ~Matthew 11:26-30 MSG
Ask yourself, “Can I really handle this right now?”
This kind of goes with the say “no” initiative, but for me saying “no” took some work. So before I got to “no,” I asked myself “Can I really handle this right now?” Do you have the energy and time right now to listen and be there like this person needs you to? If yes, that’s awesome! Be that friend! If not, that’s okay, too. If you need today, give yourself today. Your friend can wait until tomorrow.
Come now, you who say, Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a city and spend a year there and carry on our business and make money.
Yet you do not know about what may happen tomorrow. What is the nature of your life? You are but a wisp of vapor that is visible for a little while and then disappears.
You ought instead to say, If the Lord is willing, we shall live and we shall do this or that. ~James 4:13-15 AMPC
Do spend time with those who invest in you.
Don’t forget that you can ask your friends out for coffee to talk, too. I had to remind myself of this the other week when I asked out two of my best girls who I knew would give me some truth and would let me vent without control. We stayed in the coffee shop two to three hours after close and it did soooo much for me. Find these people in your life that you look up to and know will feed your soul goodness and not negativity. This is why God created the church- so we could have others to lean on.
When Job’s three friends, Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite, heard about all the troubles that had come upon him, they set out from their homes and met together by agreement to go and sympathize with him and comfort him. When they saw him from a distance, they could hardly recognize him; they began to weep aloud, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads. Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was.
~Job 2:11-13 NIV
Feeding myself first.
If you are a people pleaser, or just that friend for others, then it’s vital that you take care of yourself first. You will be drained and your own quality of life will decrease if you keep giving and giving without ever taking. Think about what fires you up. What makes you passionate and lively? What fuels you with truth? Love? Comfort? The universal source for all these things is God. Even if I don’t know where to search, I can pray, telling God what I need, and then I can open my bible and he shows me what I need. Our Heavenly Father wants to take care of us like we take care of others, so let Him! He’s really good at it, too.
Elijah was afraid and ran for his life. When he came to Beersheba in Judah, he left his servant there, while he himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness. He came to a broom bush, sat down under it and prayed that he might die. “I have had enough, Lord,” he said. “Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors.” Then he lay down under the bush and fell asleep.
All at once an angel touched him and said, “Get up and eat.” He looked around, and there by his head was some bread baked over hot coals, and a jar of water. He ate and drank and then lay down again.
The angel of the Lord came back a second time and touched him and said, “Get up and eat, for the journey is too much for you.” So he got up and ate and drank. Strengthened by that food, he traveled forty days and forty nights until he reached Horeb, the mountain of God. ~ 1Kings 19:3-8 NIV
The Acute Apathy 
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